Of course, it's about Love right? The feeling of wanting to someone to feel like it's between you & that person. But do they see what you see? Can they tell? What can go wrong? Right? I mean, for certainty the thing I can't stand is this feeling. It's a feeling where you feel wasted of your Emotions. You feel like someone took them away, or whither, they just ran off. Love, I mean, is closely spectacular in a fantasy story, but when you experience it in real-life, especially in my eyes, it becomes a horror story, or rather a Thriller. A seeping feeling of someone you wanted to come close to for so many years, conjuring up feelings, and when that person vanishes, can the simplest flame in your heart that tells you its real can remain the same?
Can it really be taught again?
When I look at others, all I see is something equivalent to Trash. People who would rather Party, mistreat your feelings, go on drugs, pledge only to want Sex, but me - wanting Marriage. Just a wonderful life of misery & untold depression. Seems logical. Wanting to stay informed with someone who can seem like your other half. I felt that once. Today, I feel like an empty shell. I suppose what I ever really wanted in this World was Love. To love someone and be loved in return. I can't look at things anymore without the feeling that Fear is gone. All the beauty you see in someone that completely depicts someone from your past to be invalid.
Is that not what I've been told? That the right person would come into my life or just let it be?
Am I not good enough? Asking myself, "why doesn't anyone understand me?"
Am I really a Monster, or just someone underway, depicted as one?
Would I ever find the right one?
My fortune cookies tell me when something comes up.
I don't know what to describe. After you've encountered loss, then feel like someone you simply love -- disappears?
All you say, do and tell, wanting that Person like no other. Then spotting a different person. Looks like that ONE. But is nothing comprehensible. I don't know. I thought I knew. I felt driven by looks and personality, but I corresponded well with Ego instead of anything-else. The feeling that it's all gone & the rain pours on you. It's a feeling of shame. It's a feeling whereas it's not just a game to yourself, anymore. Not even a taste of selfishness can be provided. Just nothing but selfless acts & the feeling that what you're worth means nothing to that person's eyes.
What you can really imagine are the person's lips, and that subtle feeling like you can't help but falling in-love to someone comparable, someone worth fending for. Loving, while keeping you fingers cross if they might do the same...
Then comes Silence. Everything you thought you loved dissipates. Mirrors break. The Ghost of Christmas Past appears. Calls on the Ghost of Christmas Future. Sends you that way, tells you that it never was meant to be. I deny it. Nonstop. Begging for Apples just for a way. Even a feeling to want to wish it never believably happened, but in modest effort, you feel that all you should do now is collapse into your Bed. And Cry.
It's amazing, really. Nobody knows the real you. How emotional you can get.
The issue isn't so black & white, is it? I mean, why is it that I fell for someone in the first place? Was it because I was tired of being about myself and wanted someone to care for, for once? Did I love? Did I feel happy? Was I really around that one time where all I wanted to do was simply be?
Today, it doesn't feel right. I feel - placed. I miss someone, for the very first time in my life.
Someone that I felt a connection to that felt indescribably attractive, sincere, cute... hot... charming...
I try effortlessly to describe that person to how they seemed in my own eyes.
From then on, I fail. I lose my chances to understanding what love means: I give-in.
And today, I feel miserable evermore.
Enough to smile, can't possibly get up out of my bed every morning at the right time.
Now I know the meaning of Disease. It's like I am one...
No matter how much I choose to Cry, nothing changes.