The first time I attended Kindegarden I was seen to be too young, but still tried, but when I tried to go into the next grade, my Parents held me back. Thought I was too young, maybe my mind wasn't intact to being ready for the first grade. So they held me back. I was like, cool. Then came Elementary School, a repeated nightmarish year I thought it would be. Unawaringly, I met a new group of classmates who became more knowingly than the last year's bunch. I met this girl back then. Around the time when we would play with whatever toy sets that were in the room, we would often play with each other. Then came a time where she would always become shy & avoid me at certain times. Despite knowing, she was the first friend that I ever grew up with who I don't see anymore today. It's sad, because from Kindegarden to first grade, we became assumed boyfriend & girlfriend, but she moved away. This was my first blow to knowing what love was, & I did kind of feel that to be what it was to the start of my littlest depression, but unawaringly, it did kind of change me, for I started seeing different people as friends, until I had met one more in particular in the first grade who turned out to be one of my best friends seen as of today.
So, I thought maybe, cool. My Mother was part of the school's PTA, so I became interested in Choir. Then I met this girl one day. Kept calling me four-eyes. I kind of noticed she had a Crush on me, or something , but she would always pick on my singing, but in someways, I thought, does she care? She wore glasses, just like me. She was cute, but I was still young. Didn't really now what I was getting involved with until those days vanished, until I went to Middle School. I met some people. Met some girls. One caught my eye, but never really grasped the intent since we were always arguing.
Met more friends. Some drifted, starting lessening on the amount, as I turned to feel more of a bookworm after the amount of interest I took up with reading from Elementary. So, I continued my approach in Middle School Choir. Figured, it would be decent. A decent way to start. I became fixated with it. Started to like Singing more, and more, as the days went by. Then my first tragedy occurs. My Mother passes away in the 7th Grade. She passes away, from which I was told of a Heart Attack. I...
I was torn. I was devasted. My Mother had been battling arthritis's for such a long time in her left leg & it all turned out to be Cancerous for her. Unaware though, she had Cancer. It went to her throat. I was told that she had died with one eye open on the hospital bed, like it was sad, heartfelt terrible for me. That happy person that I knew I was back then, had started to go through major withdraw. My moods changed. They became dark.
When I went into High School & became interested in Graphic Design. I met this very attractive girl in Freshman P.E., while Math would always get in the way such as Tutoring. I never liked Math. Math is not a blessing for Intelligence. Geometry was my limit.
Stunningly attractive, not comparable that I've ever seen. Her eyes were indescribable. Didn't really know her full well, but she did seem like she wanted to help me out when I was in trouble with the one thing I couldn't do: Swim. I could not swim at all. I was terrible at Swimming.
Sad part is, no matter how much I would practice, I could never get the hang of it. I'm in truth am a terrible swimmer, no matter how much I try, I'm afraid of the deep end. I've had experiences in the deep end before with my Grandparents Pool before that almost led me to drowning a couple times before. Since then, swimming hasn't been the same, no matter how much I tried, but I did get the hang of some things the shallow-end. Despite the thought, I had my first infatuation. There came a time where I would pass by her on certain occasion, her Smile amongst all Smiles that were remarkable. She meant everything to me, but after my Mother's passing, & how my life stood, I couldn't keep her. I had no money, no support to make for a good lasting relationship. So. I lost grip. Drifted apart, sort of speak. I was told that I was like the abroad of her Nightmares.
No matter how many times I saw her on College Campus, the feeling wasn't there anymore. I met another girl on Campus, but ultimately noticing where this left off to this point in where I'm standing at now, she was right. I ended up meeting someone who stood vividly from what the meaning to her words meant. And ultimately, it all caved in on me. My Father passes away from Stage 4 Liver Cancer. As if things get a little of a lot worse. I begin to lose hope whereas, my trust issues become an issue. So, I try maybe this new girl, it didn't turn pretty. Ended up being put into a Ward, understanding now what the words, "abroad of my Nightmares," meant. "Death."
So, I decided to start researching the Anti-Christ more. Started to come up with Theories all over my Blog. Started to think that I was actually more Transgendered than I realized, thinking that's why I'm more different than I seem to be. My Portfolio, becomes an escort to Time, but the more I realize things from what my Interests were, they were too dark, too dense. Too transgressed. Nobody would want me if I would seem more like this? So I decided to start going back to Church more, which for awhile before my Father had passed, I had been, only to understand why the Evil I see today isn't comparable to Satan & Hell, but no matter how depressed I am getting, the words still haunt me. Psychologically. I cannot make use of them, or of the people that have stepped foot into my life. Realizing that I've never received my first kiss. I've never held out a box of Chocolates to anyone. Nobody has that much faith in me, & when I try, nobody knows just how terrible that I feel & only thinks of me as someone who is undergoing to much pressure & is surprised that I have committed suicide yet, over the tragic losses in my life.
Clostridium Deficile is what I've been diagnosed with after my Ward exprience. The Meds screwed me up in my insides. As of now, I'm becoming more Malnourished. My body is weakening. Shutting down. I'm not feeling happy anymore. I feel like I've been turned into someone's ancient scrapbook than anything of what my life means to me. So, I try working a Part-Time Job, just to stay happy. I do my best, approach my Sales Goals. Cool. It's all fine, but the hapiness that I saw back in my years past, with what I saw in someone compared to all these others, I misused & felt misguided from, it was really my fault for ever getting into this Gothic Generative. I was really just pushing myself to become something that I'm not just to symbolize my Sorrow, so I started looking more like a Machine, trying to replicate the happiness again to simply want to be, but it never worked out. Human Society are no machines, no matter how much you look to wanting to morph your own body to look like a Gender, we're just not built for that sort of purpose. That's why we all become suicidal from such pain. We feel torture amongst ourselves, not really of what's out there in the world...
I type this message here, hoping that my Work conspires all to think of me this way someday, that if something should happen to me, even though I'll still be giving it my best, please have mercy on my Soul in the next life. This one is just too horrific. The life I wanted to have was not supposed to have come this bad. Now, everyone is doing their own thing, & I'm always left in the dark to feel unwanted as usual, no matter how much I wanted to bear the mind that I was actually becoming someone pure, or someone good whereas, when I started to accept Jesus while I was feeling Agnostic to find my religion. But, the more times I pray, I'm reminded of the evil fabricated from Death, loss, & unhappiness, than it runs amongst me, & when I try to shake it, it wants me even more, undoubtably speaking so.
Perhaps I was put in this life to be seen as this. No matter how much I wanted to full-fill some kind of a person, nothing ever happened. I would come close, but never draw near. Despite knowing how much my own insides hurt from all of this, emotionally, up to a point where eventually, I'll have to give-up, I'll might as well accept the fact, that I can never obtain the happiness that I once had as a Child, & that hurts me to this day. Haziness is affecting me. I'm losing sleep. Retreating into the Shower. Everyday, turns sadder when I'm in my own bedroom, at home. Despite this, I now know. Nobody really intimately loves me. You can tell me that God does, but even so, I wanted a relationship so long ago, & I never received it. I lost my self-esteem, & its tearing me apart as I try to forget. I just cannot. Even though I try to materialize something in my Website to get things known. Still. Nobody understands. It's like I'm invisible to these people, that's why nothing ever worked out, why I'm still alone, today. They're like shadows to me.
So I lose myself in the process. It happens all-the-time. But the one thing I do regret though? Is myself, & my own helplessness over my Gender, for I believe that my Gender is the reason behind this poor lifetime. It's sad, but it is how I view life. Choreography. I tried.